Common Myths & Misconceptions about Separation & Divorce

There's a lot of confusion around separation and divorce. It's time to dispel a few common myths.

The truth about separation and divorce

We’ve all seen it in the movies. The couple decides to part ways - the scene cuts signing papers, and they’re done. Miraculously. Freedom with a few simple signatures.

Easy, right?

If only.

Anyone who’s been through divorce knows that movies have given us the highly edited version. If we were shown what happens between, “I want a divorce” and signing papers, we’d be obligated to watch quite a few extra monotonous hours of footage.

The truth is, reality is often lost in the common myths and confusion we’ve been shown about separation and divorce. To dispel a few of these misconceptions, here are 5 of the most common myths lawyers often end up clarifying for their clients:

Myth no 1. Divorce is Immediate: “Where do I sign?”

If only this were true. In reality, divorce is much like emigrating out of the nation of marriage.

In fact, most people aren’t aware that filing for divorce is an entirely different process than separating. Separation requires a series of steps that help you calculate the distribution of property and debt, evaluate incomes, and calculate child and spousal support. If you have property and children, you will also require a separation agreement before you even look at signing any divorce papers. Often, people aren’t even aware they have to create, let alone sign a separation agreement.

But even though the legal part of separation requires a myriad of steps, it doesn’t mean it has to be complicated. The law is quite straightforward when it comes to your separation and division of assets. Unfortunately, it’s often the added conflict, high emotion, stalling tactics, and lack of financial disclosure that delays the process.

Myth no. 2. Adultery matters: “I’ll make him pay!”

Though it makes all the difference to you personally and causes a ton of pain, in the B.C. court system, adultery adds nothing to your benefit. Though you can apply for divorce and say your marriage has broken down because of your spouse’s affair, you won’t get more parenting time, more money, or the house because you caught your spouse cheating.

Because of this you won’t be able to take out your vengeance in court. Often this is an emotional hurdle people have to overcome when they realize they can’t take the children and money away from their spouse as payback. The truth is, adultery is a tough road to get through, both emotionally and psychologically, and no amount of revenge will make you feel better.

You won’t get revenge in your divorce, but you can find peace and reconciliation with your own emotions with a therapist that can help you work through the emotional weight and scars that come from the feelings of betrayal. The best thing you can do is seek healing with someone who can help you work through the emotional aftereffects of an affair.

Because in the end you don’t want to separate only to find yourself still married to loads of emotional weight from the past. You may not find the closure you want in court or in your settlement, but you may be able to find healing through counselling. It's also important to be able to make informed decisions when separating, not emotional ones.

Myth no. 3: I Deserve More: “I did all the work.”

Just like affairs, you can’t take more money and time with the kids simply because you believe you deserve it. The law is clear about the distribution of property, child support, and spousal support. You can both agree on your own terms, or pay money to argue, but at the end of the day, the law is clear on who gets what.

All the conflict, arguments, and anger that delays your divorce costs you a lot of money in

the end. Many couples spend thousands of dollars and endless hours arguing over a few hundred dollars wasting their time and money while the law is clear and simple. But couples often chose to spend time convincing the other party to agree otherwise, often to their own detriment. Because when the other party doesn’t agree, you likely end up in court with what the law determines anyway.

So, unless you have a very amicable divorce, be careful not waste time arguing over what you think you deserve. While there's room for discussion and collaboration on an agreement that works for both parties, the law is clear and simple and will decide what you’re left with at the end of the day.

Myth no. 4: Divorce is a clean break

Most people drag through divorce with the idea that they will be over and done with the person once it’s final. But if you have children, it’s far from the truth. Especially if you have children, it’s important to make the process as collaborative as possible for the sake of your

children. You and your spouse will have to

co-parent for years to come and the best way to plan a co-parenting arrangement is to do so collaboratively.

Fighting your spouse through the process will only hinder your parenting in the long run. Find ways to compromise, work together, and separate in a manner that is in the best interests of the children.

Myth no. 5 Divorce is Spouse vs. Spouse

Divorce is often set up as a me vs you campaign. Even your spouse’s lawyer is called “opposing counsel.” But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can find a way to work towards an agreement amicably.

Mediation is almost always an option for couples who want to move forward in a collaborative way. In mediation you can both discuss the issues of your separation together, find solutions and compromise to meet each other’s needs. Divorce doesn’t have to be a fight. It can simply be a discussion and agreement on the best way forward.

Find lawyers who are collaborative and if you're interested in mediation, a mediator who will guide you through your separation ensuring you come out the other end not further destroyed by the process. Separation is a difficult time, with multiple emotions to process through each step. Make sure you find the option that works best for you.

Conclusion

When you clear away all the misconceptions about separation and divorce, the rumours you've heard from your friends’ separations, and the simplistic scenes we’ve seen in movies, you can find better clarity on how to move through separation and onward into a new beginning. Ignore all the horror stories you’ve heard and educate yourself about the process. You and your spouse can write your version together. Find the right support you need to move forward and find resolution.

All content on Divii is meant to serve as educational and informative. This is not a substitution for or considered legal advice. It's always highly recommended to seek independent legal advice from a lawyer during your separation.

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