Common Myths & Misconceptions about Separation & Divorce

There's a lot of confusion around separation and divorce. It's time to dispel a few common myths.

The truth about separation and divorce

We’ve all seen it in the movies. The couple decides to part ways - the scene cuts to signing papers, and they’re done. Miraculously. Freedom with a few simple signatures.

Easy, right?

If only.

Anyone who’s been through divorce knows that movies have given us the highly edited version. If we were shown what happens between, “I want a divorce” and signing papers, we’d be obligated to watch quite a few extra monotonous hours of footage.

The truth is, reality is often lost in the common myths and confusion we’ve been shown about separation and divorce. To dispel a few of these misconceptions, here are five of the most common myths lawyers often end up clarifying for their clients:

Myth no 1. Divorce is immediate: “Where do I sign?”

If only this were true. First, you are not able to apply to the court for a divorce unless you've been separated for a year or more, one party has committed adultery, or one spouse has treated the other spouse with physical or mental cruelty. The vast majority of divorce applications go uncontested after having waited one year or more. It's a straightforward process that allows you to simply file paperwork with the courthouse. In order to apply though, you have to have all the other matters dealt with, and that's where a separation agreement comes in.

Most people aren’t aware that filing for divorce is an entirely different process than separating. If a divorce order is a single page, a separation agreement is 25 pages. The separation agreement is where you outline a plan for your kids, how you'll exchange income between you to make sure everyone is financially supported and how you'll divide the assets and debts you've gathered during your relationship. Most people work together, with or without the assistance of lawyers, to come to an agreement on these things. Only once your Separation Agreement is signed, can you file for divorce.

But even though finalizing your separation is the more substantial step, it doesn’t mean it has to be complicated. The law is quite straightforward and with the right tools and guidance, most people are able to come to a settlement.

Myth no. 2. Adultery matters: “I’ll make him pay!”

Though it makes all the difference to you personally and causes a ton of pain, adultery doesn't really impact the outcomes. Though you can apply for divorce on the grounds of adultery, it's generally not recommended as it's expensive and emotionally exhausting to do so. You have to hire a lawyer and lay out all of the evidence of the adultery in affidavits. All of that is to bypass the one year wait on the uncontested divorce - but it doesn't give you more parenting time, more money, or the house.

The law is "no fault" in Canada, which means that bad behaviour within the relationship, like cheating is not relevant to parenting, child support, spousal support or distribution of property. Which means, your cheating spouse won't be punished in court.

You won’t get revenge in your divorce, but you can find peace and reconciliation with your own emotions with a therapist that can help you work through the emotional weight and scars that come from the feelings of betrayal. The truth is, adultery is a tough road to get through, both emotionally and psychologically, and no amount of revenge will make you feel better. The best thing you can do is seek healing with someone who can help you work through the emotional aftereffects of an affair.

You don’t want to separate only to find yourself still married to loads of emotional weight from the past. You may not find the closure you want in court or in your settlement, but you may be able to find healing through counselling and self-care.

Myth no. 3: I deserve more: “I did all the work” or “I made all the money”

Just like affairs, you can’t take more money and time with the kids simply because you believe you deserve it. Many people believe that all years of work and earning and investment, even if the other spouse didn't contribute the same amount, should be taken into account in the separation. It feels unfair to share things equally when one person earned so much more or the other person didn't contribute to the household. The law is clear about the distribution of finances, though, with the overall policy that relationships are a partnership and each person contributes to the whole in different ways.

All the conflict, arguments, and anger that delays your divorce costs you a lot of money in

the end. Many couples spend thousands of dollars and endless hours arguing to take more than is considered fair under the law. When one spouse is seeking more than their fair share, they need to convince the other to agree to take less than their fair share. When there isn't an agreement, you likely end up in court only to have the "fair" legal outcome anyway.

So, be careful to not waste time arguing over what you think you deserve. While there's room for discussion and compromise on an agreement that works for both parties, the law is relatively clear and simple and should help guide your own decision making.

Myth no. 4: Divorce is a clean break

Most people drag through divorce with the idea that they will be over and done with the person once it’s final. But if you have children, it’s far from the truth. Especially if you have children, it’s important to make the process as collaborative as possible for the sake of your children. You and your spouse will have to co-parent for years to come and the best way to plan a co-parenting arrangement is to do so collaboratively.

Conflict between parents can have a lasting impact on children, long after the separation is over. Kids tend to pick up on tension and may internalize the conflict, feeling caught in the middle or responsible for one parent’s emotions. Studies consistently show that it’s not divorce itself that harms children most, it’s the level of conflict they witness. When parents find ways to communicate calmly and respectfully, children adjust better, feel more secure, and are more likely to maintain strong relationships with both parents.

Fighting your spouse through the process will only hinder your parenting in the long run. Find ways to compromise, work together, and separate in a manner that is in the best interests of the children.

Myth no. 5 Divorce is Spouse vs. Spouse

Divorce is often set up as a me vs you campaign. Even your spouse’s lawyer is called “opposing counsel.” But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can find a way to work towards an agreement amicably.

Instead of seeing separation as a fight against each other, think of it as making a plan together. You’re essentially designing two new lives that still have to work in harmony, especially if children are involved. It’s about parting ways thoughtfully and ensuring that everyone has what they need for their separate journey forward.

Many couples are able to work through the details of their separation on their own with the right tools and resources to guide the process. With clear communication, transparency, and a willingness to compromise, you can negotiate your own agreement and move forward knowing that you both had a hand in shaping it.

If there are points of contention, mediation is almost always an option for couples who want to move forward in a collaborative way. In mediation you can both discuss the issues of your separation together, find solutions and compromise to meet each other’s needs. Divorce doesn’t have to be a fight. It can simply be a discussion and agreement on the best way forward.

It's also important to find lawyers who are collaborative and resolution focused. They will support your decision making and guide you through your separation ensuring you come out the other end not further destroyed by the process. Separation is a difficult time, with multiple emotions to process through each step. Make sure you find the option that works best for you.

Conclusion

When you clear away all the misconceptions about separation and divorce - the rumours you've heard from your friends’ separations and the simplistic scenes we’ve seen in movies - you can find better clarity on how to move through separation and onward into a new beginning. Ignore all the horror stories you’ve heard and educate yourself about the process. You and your spouse can write your own version together. Find the right support you need to move forward and find resolution.

All content on Divii.ca is meant to provide general information about separation and divorce and is not and should not be considered legal advice. It's always highly recommended to seek independent legal advice from a lawyer during your separation.

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