The beginning stages of your separation
You've just separated from your spouse and have decided to get a divorce. Where do you even start? It's hard to know where to begin.
First, it's important to focus on safety, stability, and emotional readiness. Next, understand the legal routes you can take through your separation and divorce process. Then, get organized and decide which path toward a Separation Agreement in BC will work best for you before preparing to file for divorce.
It can be heart wrenching, hard, and overwhelming, but it's important to remember that you will get through it. Millions of people have been through what you are going through, and there is a path forward that makes sense. Just take it one step at a time. Here you'll find an outline of a few essential steps to remember as you begin the process and work towards divorce.
Establish safety, stability, and emotional readiness
There are a few things that need to be addressed before you start making any plans or taking any decisions. Before getting started it's important to ask yourself the following questions to help you determine the next steps:
- Do you have a stable place to live?
- Are you able to meet financial obligations?
- Are you safe?
- Are you seeing your children?
If you've answered no to any of the questions above or if your separation has jeopardized one of these priorities, it's important to stabilize in these areas. It may be as simple as talking to your spouse and putting together an interim plan. But, if tensions are high and your spouse is making unilateral decisions, rather than coming to mutual agreements, you should get legal assistance. Ensuring your safety, security, and stability is essential before choosing the next steps. A lawyer can help you create an interim plan that will help you find the security and stability you need to move forward or connect you with supportive resources in your area.
Stay calm and reasonable
Many people underestimate how important it is to stay calm in the early stages of separation. This is a time to be careful and intentional in your interactions with your spouse. Strong emotions like anger or hurt are completely normal, but it's usually best to work through them with a counsellor, therapist, or someone you trust.
When emotions begin to drive decisions, people are more likely to act reactively and make choices that can have lasting consequences. Maintaining emotional control helps you think clearly and make decisions that support better long-term outcomes.
Remaining calm and grounded matters more than you might realize. Your children are watching how you handle this moment, and your choices affect them deeply. Being reactive or unreasonable can also hurt you legally. If a judge sees behaviour that suggests poor judgment or a lack of focus on your children's best interests, it may not work in your favour.
Be professional
Moving into a more business-like relationship is important in keeping discussions on track. Approach your former spouse like a professional relationship so that your words, your emails, and the way you interact during parenting transitions are rooted in calm, common sense behaviour.
You and your lawyer should always be polite and professional with your spouse and their lawyer. Treat your spouse like you would a co-worker. It helps to remain focused on the content of the discussion rather than complicate the discussions with additional conflict and negative emotions.
By focussing on positive communication, you will set a positive tone in ongoing dealings, particularly in co-parenting if you have kids. And your children will benefit from keeping conflict levels low. Children who witness low levels of conflict between their parents often have more positive long-term outcomes in mental health and academic performance, than those who witness a higher level of conflict.
Ensure your basic needs are met
This sounds simple, but in reality many people start neglecting their basic needs when they're in a crisis. You need to be eating healthy foods, drinking water, making sure you get a lot of rest, and exercising if you can. Although it's obvious, it's sometimes forgotten what a significant impact sleep, healthy food and exercise can have on your mental health and emotional stability.
Make sure you have someone to process your emotions with and that you are still socializing with friends and family. The stress of separation can take a toll on your health, so it's important to make sure your basic needs are established, and you have the support you need during every stage of the process.
Choose your legal path after separation in BC
Understand the difference between separation and the divorce process
There are a lot of common myths about separation and divorce that leave people overwhelmed when they learn about what the process actually entails. It's helpful to first learn the difference between separation and divorce:
Understand which legal paths you can take in BC
Many people begin the separation process not realizing there are different paths you can take. People often think the route their lawyer chooses is the only one. But once you understand the different processes, you and your spouse can better understand which direction to take. Here are some different routes you can take for your separation and divorce in BC:
Between Lawyers
Couples can each hire their own lawyers where all discussions and agreements will be facilitated between lawyers. You might have a four-way meeting or correspond back and forth over email between lawyers and your spouse.
Going to Court
If no agreement is reached, some lawyers will take your case to court to be ruled before a judge. About 90% of separations do not need to go to court. This is typically the route with the highest cost, emotionally and financially.
Mediation
Spouses can co-create a plan and an agreement, facilitated by a mediator in mediation. A lawyer-mediator can draft an agreement for you and afterwards you can each obtain independent legal advice.
Hybrid Approach
Some couples prefer to do the 90% of the work on their own through a DIY service like Divii, and obtain lawyers for independent legal advice for the remaining 10% of the work required.
Between Lawyers
Some couples begin by each hiring their own lawyer to direct the process for them. All discussions and agreements will be facilitated between both lawyers. To begin, most lawyers will meet with you in a one-hour consultation and then require a $3,000-$5,000 retainer to work with you, to start. Your lawyers will then set up the process and begin filing the necessary forms.
Your lawyers will likely request information and basic document disclosure before assessing the situation and then settlement proposals will often be sent back and forth between lawyers until an agreement is reached.
Unfortunately, this route can often take months, if not years, to complete. Letters will go back and forth while things progress slowly, all while legal fees mount quickly.
Going to Court
If no agreement is reached, some lawyers will take your case to court for the matters to be ruled before a judge. About 90% of separations do not need to go to court, so be wary of this approach if you haven't yet tried to collaborate in mediation. The cost of going to trial with a lawyer can be $10,000 to $20,000 per day when you factor in all the preparation leading up to trial, not to mention the emotional cost of a multiple day trial and the cost of destroying any hopes of things ending amicably.
Mediation
In mediation you and your spouse co-create a plan and an agreement rather than battle in court or in seemingly endless emails between lawyers. For the mediation process, a meeting is scheduled where everyone dedicates the time and energy to working out a plan. Matters that might take years between lawyers can often be completed in one day in mediation.
Just because you choose mediation, doesn't mean you don't need lawyers at all. It's always your choice whether or not to obtain legal advice or have counsel attend mediation with you. Lawyers can be there to help guide you without necessarily orchestrating the process. Regardless of your choice, mediation during your separation in BC should help you lessen the time and money you need to spend with your lawyer.
After mediation, the mediator can draft a Separation Agreement in BC or, if they are not a Lawyer-Mediator, they can draft a Memorandum of Understanding that you can take to your lawyer to draft an agreement. It's important to then take the Separation Agreement to a lawyer to receive independent legal advice. A mediator will give you legal information so you can make informed decisions and draft the Agreement for both parties, if they're a lawyer, but taking the agreement to your lawyer this will help solidify the agreement by demonstrating that you understood the content and terms of the Agreement.
On Your Own
Some couples don't want to spend a lot in legal fees so they try creating a Separation Agreement on their own and use a template downloaded online or use an AI platform.
Using Divii, which is a platform that automates the creation of Separation Agreements, is another option if you are looking to create your own agreement or navigate the process on your own but still want some guidance and to make sure you've done it right. You have the option of creating a DIY Separation Agreement with resources that guide you through each step of the process.
Divii helps you do 90% of the work so that you can leave the remaining 10% for legal review with your lawyer if you choose to obtain independent legal advice. If you're wondering if you still need a family lawyer for your DIY Separation Agreement, refer to our resource here.
Gather financial and legal documentation
Regardless of the process you and your spouse choose, you will need to organize your financial documentation for your Separation Agreement in BC. This includes a listing of all property, assets, liabilities, and business interests.
Set up a digital folder and scan all the items needed for a financial disclosure so that everything is organized in one place to exchange with your spouse and your lawyers. For more on what to include in your financial documentation, learn about preparing to negotiate the financial parts of your Separation Agreement.
Formalize your separation before divorce
Once you've decided on which legal route you and your spouse will be taking during your separation, it's important to have a Separation Agreement that documents how you will be handling your property division, support, and parenting arrangements.
You can get an agreement through mediation with a lawyer mediator, a lawyer, or you can draft your own agreement on a platform like Divii. Then you can move on towards applying for divorce, which will be the final step in your separation process.
It's always recommended to get independent legal advice during your separation, that will help ensure you have a strong and reliable Separation Agreement.
Conclusion
In summary, take it one step at a time: focus on your safety, stability, and emotional readiness; understand your legal options and which route you can take; gather your financial and legal documentation; and formalize your Separation Agreement before the final step of filing for divorce.
There's no doubt the process can be incredibly overwhelming, especially during these beginning stages. Remember that many people have been through what you have before and there is a way through. Take one step at a time and you will find resolution and the best path forward.
